How do I do it?

Tips and suggestions

  • Check the facts. If you have information, how did you get it? Your child will eventually have access to the same information you have – social work records, online, social media, other relatives etc. Ensure only true facts are shared with children. If you are unsure state source of information e.g. ‘this is what social work said…’.
  • After checking that the information you wish to share is accurate, you may want to consider your own feelings, values and judgements. Without intention we can often share our own interpretation about what has happened by our tone or choice of words. It is ok to state that you find it difficult to talk about a certain topic for example: “I know I find it difficult to talk about your father’s prison record. I find it difficult because I am not sure how to talk about it with you. Your dad’s choices were his choices and you are not to blame for any of them.”
  • Children can often sense when secrets are being kept from them and may think that they may be in some way responsible and to blame for whatever has happened. If we deny children the opportunity to understand and process the realities of his/her heritage and life, we can create shame or misunderstanding. Over time, if we are able to openly share important information, we validate children’s feelings and reinforce that these were behaviours and/or choices of other people, not their own. Children can blame themselves for what has happened and sharing the facts will help children realise they are not to blame for what has happened to them
  • Prepare and rehearse What are you going to say? Write down the facts, the suppositions and effective word choices. If possible you can ask for help to prepare or to have someone present when you first tell them.
  • Plan carefully what words to use in the telling or sharing. Your goal is to be open, honest, and caring.
  • Processing takes time. Children might not say anything when you first talk to them but this does not mean they are not thinking about it. They might need time to process what they have heard. Do not be surprised if they come back to you later with questions or ask other family members for information.

Doing it!

It is best to start with the present focusing on what is relevant now for children. It may be that opportunities for discussion about the past will arise at any point and the moment can be explored further if children ask questions and are interested in hearing about what has happened to them previously. When and if the past has been explored, the future can be a positive focus to finish on.

You can use the booklets, which are available on this website, either by requesting a copy at advice@kinshipscot.org or by downloading them, and use them to record some things about the children: preferred food choices, what makes the them smile, laugh, feel sad, get angry, find scary, mornings, bedtimes. Most of all, the best things about them.

You can include drawings/photographs/ideas about their best features/talents.

You could also include details about other family members if you feel this will be beneficial for children and they are happy with this.

These booklets can be kept and completed again or added to 6 monthly or yearly and the differences explored and celebrated.

If you have had to share some challenging facts it may be good to inform those who are involved with the children and who they trust that the discussion has taken place. You can ensure they are sharing the same information that you have provided. This will help them trust the story about their life.

In addition to the My Life Story Booklet there are 3 additional booklets – The Beginnings: My First Home, Memories from Nursery and School Teachers and My Life With You. These can be used to provide further information on their past and may lead to more indepth conversations.

Copies can be downloaded from this site or a printed copy can be requested. You can email advice@kinshipscot.org or call the helpline on 08000 28 22 33.

Memory box

You may have heard of a Memory Box. Keeping mementoes of people does not have to be for someone who has passed away and can in fact be for the children’s parent or anyone else who was important in their life. Memories of the person may have been lost or are forgotten and become confused.

The box can contain anything from baby’s trinkets, football tickets to a photo of the person or any object which reminds them of the person or a special day, place or time. A memory box can be used to fill in gaps of memory and knowledge and can be used to remember both sad and good times. The box itself can be any box as simple or as elaborate as children choose it to be. A decorated shoe box does the job perfectly well.

This box can be used in conjunction with the booklet or templates and will enhance the memories and experiences described.

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