As humans our connection to others helps us survive and thrive and having strong supports helps maintain mental wellbeing. It also allows us the opportunities to make mistakes and feel safe. Knowing who we are where we come from is something people seek. When we feel connected, we are safe and happy and when we feel disconnected, we feel isolated and lost. We often talk about children needing attention but maybe they are seeking connection.
For children who live in Kinship Care there can be a lot of questions as to when, why and how they came to live with their Kinship family. Encouraging and facilitating children to talk about feelings associated with past events can be a vital part of processing what happened, it can help children feel involved and in the loop. Avoiding important conversations and key details about the child’s life can leave them feeling, betrayed and isolated from the rest of the family. Our families have a significant role in shaping our identity and self-esteem, and understanding where we come from helps us understand who we are.
We need to remember children will fill in blanks. For children, having a clear understanding of why they are living with you is an important step towards adjusting to their new set of circumstances. Knowing their story helps children in their relationships with themselves, their parents and any siblings who may be living apart from them. Having a good understanding of why they cannot live with their parents will help children feel more settled.
Children may have lots of questions about why they cannot live with their parents and carers and may be preoccupied with this which could impact on feeling settled with their Kinship family.
As Kinship Carers you might worry about hurting or retraumatising children, making mistakes, not having the right words, choosing the wrong time or feel that they do not want to talk. It may help to remember that children have already experienced what you are going to share with them. They may not understand the reasons why they are now living with you and may have heard different stories from all the people around them.
Speaking with others including their friends about their circumstances can also be worrying for children: what do they say and how much do they tell.
So helping them make sense of what has happened can support them to find ways to speak to people about it as well as manage questions and different social situations.
The children in your care know the real details of their histories but are often unable to remember clearly what has happened. Sharing what has happened to them, whether happy or sad memories, shapes who they are and helps them understand themselves, and those around them. This will enable them to make sense of their world and trust what you are telling them is the truth. This will help establish an ongoing trusting relationship with you and enable them to move on to a positive future.
For children separated from their parents at a very young age they can easily lose their memories and consequently their understanding of their past and the circumstances of when they came into your care can become confused.
We can help children and young people with their memories and feeling of belonging by talking and listening and by compiling books and/or memory boxes.
