What are the benefits? | Kinship.scot

There are many benefits of doing this with children in your care including:

Can help children develop a sense of self (identity) and increased self-esteem through learning and accepting their past
Working together and developing a life story book (see our life story booklets for ideas or to get started) or memory box can help to create a bond and develop trust between children and their Kinship Carers.
Can help children distinguish between reality and fantasy.
Life story books can allow children to ask questions they may not have felt safe of comfortable to ask beforehand.

How can you prepare to create a book

Collect photographs from special events, occasions such as birthdays and first day of school etc. (Kinship Carers tell us about free story books you can order online via several sites including Get Free Photo Books | FreePrints Photobooks App UK
Keep records of what happened for when they get older
Be prepared for difficult questions; do not shy away from difficult facts and prepare yourself with clear- and thought-out answers that are the truth but are given using language to reduce any upset or anger the child may experience
Also be aware that this conversation may also be difficult for you. This is also a relative or friend of your own and includes sharing aspects of your own personal story.
Try not to criticise parents
Recording of life story is to be facilitated by you but carried out at the child’s pace.
Allocate enough time at regular intervals to update the ‘my life story book’ if you decide to do one
Keep it blame free.
Check how you are both feeling. Memories may make us feel uncomfortable and sad, while others make us feel happy and confused. Encourage the child to talk and explore these feelings if they want to and you can share how you feel about it too.
By sharing the information, you have you are helping them make the links between the past, the present and the future.
It would be helpful if you have someone you can talk to before and after to reflect on how the session went and talk about your thoughts and feelings

Some tips on How, What, and When to share difficult information.

Check the facts. If you have information, how did you get it? Your child will eventually have access to the same means you have – social work records, online, social media, other relatives etc. Ensure only true facts are shared with the child.
After checking that the information you may wish to share is accurate, you may want to consider your own feelings, values and judgements. Without intention we can often share our own interpretation about what has happened by our tone or choice of words. Its ok to state that you find it difficult to talk about a certain topic for example: “I know I find it difficult to talk about your father’s prison record. I find it difficult because I am not sure how to talk about it with you. Your dad’s choices were his choices and you are not to blame for any of them.
Children can often sense when secrets are being kept from there and may conclude that the reason is to do with them and they may be in some way responsible and to blame for whatever has happened. If we deny the child the opportunity to understand and process the realities of his/her heritage and life, we can create shame or misunderstanding. Over time, if we are able to share openly difficult information, we validate the child’s feelings and reinforce that these were behaviours and/or choices of other people, not the child. Often a child will blame themselves for what has happened and by sharing the facts will help the child realise they are not to blame for what has happened to them
Prepare and rehearse
What are you going to say? Write down the facts, the suppositions and effective word choices. If possible you can ask for help to prepare or to have someone present when you first tell the child.
Plan carefully what words to use in the telling or sharing. Your goal is to be open, honest, and caring.
Processing takes time.
If you have had to share some challenging facts with the child it may be good to inform those who are involved with the child and they trust that the discussion has taken place. You can ensure they are sharing the same information that you have provided. This will help the child trust the story about their life.

Ideas of what to collect, create or do with the child:

You can use the templates available and attached to record some things about the child: preferred food choices, style of clothes chosen, what makes the child smile, laugh, feel sad, get angry, find scary, mornings, bedtimes. Most of all, the best things about the child.
You can make these into a book for the child and also include the child’s drawings/photographs/ideas about their best features/talents.
You could also include details about other family members if you feel this will be beneficial for the child and they are happy with this

These templates can be kept and completed again or added to 6 monthly or yearly and the differences explored and celebrated.

Summary:

Life story work is an important way of helping a child to integrate their past into the present, in order to help them to move into the future. All children and young people identify with their parents. Children who are separated from their past, can literally lose it. This can make it difficult for them to know what has happened, to understand, and to know they are not to blame. Some children will only be able to do life story work about the present and this is acceptable as this is the starting point for all life story work (see below). They may be too upset, too new into care, too young, or unable to talk about their early experiences and the reasons why they came into Kinship care.

It is helpful for children to begin life story work with the here and now. It is an opportunity to talk about, record and enjoy the present. Doing the work will give them a tangible record of a point in their history, it provides a positive experience of reflecting on their life and of having the undivided attention of their Kinship Carer. When children can talk about their families, early experiences, and their feelings, it may be that questions about their past develop naturally, and at an appropriate point in the work, discuss these at an age appropriate level with the child referring back to the previous sections if required.

Memory box

You may have heard of a Memory Box keeping momentoes of people does not have to be for someone who has died and can in fact be for the missing parent or anyone else that contact or memories of have been lost or are forgotten and confused. It can contain anything from a football ticket to a photo of the person, an object which reminds you of them. A memory box can be used to fill in gaps of memory and knowledge and can be used to remember both sad and good times. The box itself can be any box simple or as elaborate as the child wishes. A decorated shoe box does the job perfectly well.